Lately it just seems like everything is going down hill. For the past.....hmmm....I guess three weeks, I have been an emotional wreck! Every where I turn there are babies!!! I feel like I'm in the movie Ghostbusters and there's a gigantic baby chasing me!! No matter where I hide, it finds me.
Next week, I'm going back to the doctor to try a different type of hormone, so maybe that will help me some. I have hot flashes and mood swings. I get asked if I'm not too young to be having the hot flashes, but I've had them for years.
I'm just getting tired of hearing about who's pregnant and their complaints on being sick during the pregnancy and lack of sleep or social life after the baby's born. I would LOVE to have morning sickness!!! I would love to have a reason for my mood swings and feeling the way I feel most of the time. It's like what "Brooke Taylor" said in Facing the Giants, "Grant, I'm still clinging to a hope that one day we'll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met?"
I actually feel like someone has died, but this someone has still yet to be created. The someone has no name, no shape, no....nothing. And this grieving is worse than grieving for anyone who I've loved that has died. This grieving is like nothing I have ever felt before.
Some will say, "you're a step-mom, isn't that enough?" That's like asking someone that only speaks to a family member by phone and misses them dearly, "isn't that enough?" Getting so close to a goal and never being able to accomplish it, but "isn't that enough?" It tears at your very being.
Well, this has exhausted me, so I guess I'm done for the night.
Lots of Love!
*eternal hug* Can I just say that I love you? And I sincerely hope that God blesses you the same way He blessed Moses and Sarah.
ReplyDeleteI once heard a quote, and I've loved it ever since. Granted, I've not been in your position with infertility before, but I think of this quote often when I am plagued by despair in the midst of what seems like everyone prospering and being blessed but me.
"Suffering is the tuition we pay for a character degree."
You are gaining perspective from God's eyes about how great His love is for us, while we fill our lives with all kinds of stupid little "happy things" and forget about the joy of the Lord, which is our strength. God longs to give people life and we push Him away, saying "Well why doesn't God just bless me when I ask Him for it?" Well, sometimes He wants to, and we instead are looking for something else. We sometimes want our own blessings instead of His blessings.
I love you dearly, sister. More than you'll ever know.
I'm not even sure why I just said all that. I just kinda fell out of my fingers. I hope I have not offended you at all.